the definition of a narcissist is "a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves" I have heard this word thrown around so many times. I would hear people say he/she is such a narcissist. What really does that mean though? When you look at the definition you could easily say it's someone that is self centered, maybe think they are a gift to themselves/others.... I ignored this for a long time. There's so much more to this word and I realized I was dealing with a narcissist on a daily basis. It's not as simple as just someone that has an admiration of themselves.
Also first and foremost if you have ever dealt with someone that is a narcissist God Bless you!!
In my experience with a narcissist I have to admit I was naïve. I didn't know what he was trying to do. Many moments I found myself questioning my actions and who I was as a person. He cheated on me for years but could justify it that I wasn't around and was working too much, He said he needed me there and yes I get it I could have been there more. Here's my perspective. I couldn't have been there enough for him! It was not good enough and somehow it was all my fault. I found myself questioning myself over and over.
No matter what it was...it was always my fault. There was no accountability. If he ever admitted to what he did it was always justified. He wanted acknowledgement for every thing. He felt entitled to having his own personal time which honestly was 90% of the time. If I did something for myself I was called multiple times and was made to feel bad for doing something nice for myself. He had a skewed idea and perception of what he did. He drank daily but it was justified and hell he earned it. If I left he would kill himself... this is very scary if you haven't had someone say this to you. It is terrifying. He would say this as a way to keep me around and show that I cared and guess what? It worked a few times until I realized it's a sick game. I was made to feel like my kids would be so mad at me for leaving, what kind of mother am I? Mind you I was leaving him never my children.
His words never matched his actions. As I sit here tonight I feel sad...Why and how could I have not seen this sooner. I was married to a narcissist and for 12 years. Now I am seeing it more clearly than ever. It took me being completely out of the situation to see clearly. Also, when you are married or in a relationship with a narcissist and there is a breakup they will try their hardest to be in your life anyway that they can. In my situation we have kids so I knew that would be the case, however majority of the conversations that he reaches out about are not regarding the kids. The most common conversation topic is or should I say message that he sends is about how people don't like him and guess who's fault that is? YES! You guessed it, once again it's my fault. After awhile you become numb to it UNTIL
it starts affecting the people I am the closest with... my children. For any of you that have kids you know that if anyone messes with your children the person better be ready for the wrath that is upon them! I will talk more about this at a later date. As of right now I have a battle that I am going into that I need to keep private at this time.
You see narcissists are very clever and manipulate people to get what they want and they don't care who they hurt. Let me give you a few more examples of what they do.
-Take advantage of others to get what they want.
-Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
-Be envious of others and believe others envy them.
-Insist on having the best of everything- for instance, the best car or office - it appears to others they are doing great and are successful. Materialistic.
-Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment.
-React with rage or contempt and try to belittle others to make themselves feel important.
Conditions with Narcissist Behavior can also include:
-Depression and Anxiety
-Drug or alcohol use
-Suicidal thoughts or behaviors
- There are several more but I am most familiar with the 3 listed above.
So here is what I am learning.
YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM! I'll say that again... YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM! No matter how hard you try DO NOT FIX OR THINK YOU CAN CHANGE THEM! It will never work and you will waste many years trying and end up stripped of your self worth and self love! Trust me on this one PLEASE!
Narcissists love attention. They love all attention, negative attention is just as good to them as positive attention. If a narcissist is reaching out to you the best thing you can do is NOT RESPOND! Listen I know it's hard but as soon as you do they feel like they WIN! They will make comments to make you mad, angry, upset in order to get you to respond or they will confess their love for you to get you to be vulnerable so there is power over you!
Narcissists don't do well with boundaries. Set boundaries and stick to them.
They will have behaviors that make you doubt your own capabilities. They will make you feel like you need them. They can be quick to lock you down in a relationship. They can also promise you the world but again these are just words not actions.
They will make you feel ashamed of who you are. If you are going down a self destructive cycle they may secretly like this...they would never say it but then it makes them look better. SO SICK!!
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and you feel like you need to get revenge..DON'T! It won't help and guess what they will love it. They will see it as a WIN!
If you are in a divorce or a breakup and you see the person. Do not make eye contact with them if you see them. If you are in a court situation like a divorce or custody battle Narcissists do well unfortunately because they can be charismatic and likeable on the surface for anyone that doesn't know them. This is especially important if you are in court with this person. My advice is speak directly to your attorney or at the judge and document everything! Narcissists will lie to get what they want so the more notes and documents you keep the better.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, if you are currently in a relationship or have been in one.. GOD BLESS YOU!! I hope that if you are still in a relationship or have friendships like this that you have the strength and courage to walk away from someone if it is no longer fueling your soul and heart!
I wish all of you reading this nothing but Love , Happiness, and Remember to Breathe.
*As many of you know that read my blog I do not have all the answers and everyday I am on a journey to figure it out. Please feel free to share or leave a comment! XOXO
