Being married to someone and having kids with them, I never thought I would be in the position I am tonight. It's been a long time coming. As I mentioned in previous posts I am one to give the benefit of the doubt, hope that he would be different, I believed that what he said was going to be true..maybe this time it would be different. Tonight I am writing to have a much needed release and if you have read my previous posts this is my therapy in many moments and tonight I need it so badly.
Quick update...
He went from jail to inpatient rehab, it was supposed to be for 35 days...It lasted 9 before checking himself out. The phone call that I received letting me know that he shouldn't be leaving but was deciding to leave was so disappointing. I spoke to him in the facility. He gave me a handful of reasons he was going to leave. He felt that outpatient would be a better fit. I disagreed but then again I am the ex-wife and at this point shouldn't be this involved but my justification was I am doing it for my girls and at this point I am fighting for something they aren't interested in at this moment in their life. This was a huge AHA moment for me! I have to thank my friend Jay Little for this.
They have been hurt by him and it's so upsetting and in their own words they are disappointed. I wanted them to have a dad that is there for them, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and unfortunately they don't get that from him.
I want to fix it so bad for them but I realize I can't. I have no control and that in itself is so hard. I have to let go and finally am. In our recent parenting agreement that was done in our divorce we have split custody of the girls. He had them Tuesday and Wednesday nights and every other weekend. It seemed to be going okay for a bit.
Fast Forward to tonight....
As I sit here and prepare for our court trial tomorrow I will fight for full custody of my girls. Something that I never thought I would have to do but the last year has shown me it is time.
I have been more than willing to "give him time" to figure things out as he was having a hard time. I let a few months go on and not much changed, effort decreased to see the girls, his relationships became more important and his needs became the priority. For too long I continued to give the benefit of the doubt. We are in February of 2021 and as I go through my calendar and notes the last time they spent the night with their dad was in June 2020.
I have tried everything to not have this happen...we went to mediation, he went to counseling with the girls...once. They have shared with him what they need from him...here we are tonight and nothing is changing, and I believe in my heart if it does change it is only temporary. Tomorrow morning I will continue to pray, I will get up, get dressed, put on my best red lipstick, and then will go in to FIGHT for these girls!
As I go through all of it I will always Remember to Breathe...
xoxo
Goodnight