After all this time I have wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt because of the girls. I never wanted it to be this way. I have been hurt so much by you...how much more can we possibly take? You wanted to be a father when we met but why can't you see your girls need you? They want their dad. My heart is breaking today for these girls. Why are other women more important? Why is addiction more important? WHY? I don't know if I will ever understand it. I cry when no one is looking, when I sit in counseling 3 times a week with each of our girls and hear their thoughts, feelings, disappointment each time . When they ask me "Why does he call me when his girlfriend is here but he doesn't make an effort to see me?" As I write this I am crying. This is so hard! I am exhausted! Truly just worn out emotionally from the constant roller coaster.
The last year has been so hard. Prior to this past year he's supposed to have these girls split custody 50/50. Last year he said he needed some time and was going through some stuff so I agreed I would have them so he could get help for addiction. I offered to look into places for him to go....instead he fished, hunted, had a relationship. Haley was the closest with him. As we stood in the driveway this fall she said "Dad I don't want to see you until you change" No child should have to do that! As a parent my heart broke, he started crying. Being a narcissist he just placed blame elsewhere. It's always someone else's fault. I jumped in and wasn't going to let that happen. Weeks went by. Still no effort to see them. Then we tried counseling. He went once. During the sessions each of the girls let him know what they needed from him. The list was long. "Dad, we want it to be better and for things to go back to the way they used to be." He promised them that there would be changes. I sat there in counseling just praying and hoping this would be what would get him to change, maybe he will get it this time. Time went on...few changes were made but nothing stayed consistent.
A few weeks had passed and the girls and I go in for our weekly counseling session and Haley says, Mom I don't want to do this anymore! I asked her why she didn't want to go to counseling anymore? Her response was nothing is changing with her dad. Kids are resilient but they also absorb everything and she was realizing that actions are more important than words. We talked through it and that night she went to counseling as I sat next to her and supported her. She cried, I cried...the hurt is numbing in moments. When you have to sit in it, feel it, it's just easier to run away from it but as most of you know that doesn't solve anything.
My heart breaks as a parent that he is missing out on all of this but I can't make him do it either. The girls first crushes, sports, what they like and don't. My heart hurts daily for them. I know what it's like to not have a dad around. My dad was 6 when he left so often I think my emotions are brought up by that hurt as well.
Fast forward to the last 2 months...he is saying all the right things...not much action behind it. He is seeing the girls every so often on Tuesdays and Wednesdays but no overnights. I finally said I am taking you back to court and I am going for full custody. I have had enough. We tried mediation because that is the next step. Every mediation session he talked more about his current relationship and then started talking about our divorce. I had to remind him we are talking about the kids. He knows I want him to have a relationship with the girls but he needs to be healthy and sober. The girls also know their dad loves them. He tells them and I do a lot of reassuring of the same. At this point he just doesn't know how to show it and his priorities are not the girls. The last session of mediation...he was fighting, couldn't sit still to the point the attorney/mediator asked him to sit still. He got mad when I asked him to take a drug test to see the girls and left the call. The mediator and I sat there together. Once again I was upset that I have been duped by this guy.
Fast forward a week after the mediation appointment and I get a call he is in jail. My heart sank...I am angry. How am I going to explain you won't see your dad on Christmas, for your 13th birthday? How do you fucking explain that to a kid? I also had to tell the girls that he was in jail because they go to school in a small community and unfortunately people gossip and I didn't want the girls hearing it from their friends which ended up happening the next day. Rick and I prepped them for that conversation if it happens at school. Rick is so good at this stuff and says "You handle it with confidence" Stay strong and if it comes up you say YES I KNOW and you keep it moving. You don't break down at school but when you get home we hug it out, cry about it, talk about it and that is what they did! That day at school went well for all of them!
He ended up getting out a day later...this was his first time in jail. He got out right before Christmas. They weren't planning to see him for Christmas. I agreed that I would take them to his house but I made him take a drug test..he failed it. I am not going to get into the details of what he was in jail for because at this point it doesn't matter. What matters is that he gets the help he needs which I will talk about in a minute.
So now at this point we are into just a few days ago. January 31, 2021 he is arrested again. I find out when I get a call from the jail. I did not answer. I didn't want to have to go through this again. He called multiple times (for some reason I thought you could only call 1-2x a day) I finally answered and answered with What?!! At this point I already knew what he was arrested for because I looked it up. He asked me to get him out. I refused. He was saying all the "right" things. Every trick in the book that he knows works on me. I found myself for some reason feeling bad for him. He was crying, sounded awful, and desperate. I knew this game and it was very familiar to me. He continued to stay in jail up until today.
Long story short as of tonight he is currently checked in to inpatient rehab. Thank God! He agreed to go. He knows he needs to I just am praying this will be what he needs but I am hesitant as well. He has needed this for such a long time. He has been coping in the wrong ways and I am hoping he this will help him.
I do understand Part of this is my responsibility to manage and work through. I do fall for the "give me some time," "I am going to change!" I have been known to be the person that is too trusting in moments. At this point he knows that I will never be this helpful to him again. He has no more chances. I am done! So this leads us into tonight's live on facebook... learning to let go. Sometimes we have to let go of the emotions that are tied to something or someone that no longer serves us. Man, is it hard. My expectation of how he should be as a father is a consistent let down for me. I have a hard time understanding it all. I am learning and sometimes it's the hard way.
Does it cause more harm than hurt? Do you want it more than they do? What are the words vs. actions? In all of this journey I am Remembering to breathe. Stay tuned.
