You don't see what I have on my plate??!!! A typical day for me in 2015 looked like this; up at 4-5am and driving to Chicago which was a 3 hour commute to work and then driving home 2.5 hours and not getting home until 8-9 at night about 3 times a week. I lived this life for about 3 years. I guess you could say this is where I take responsibility in the downfall of my marriage. I wasn't there like I should have been. On days that I got off early it was spent with my kids and trying to spend as much time with them as I could. Don't think I didn't try and spend time with my husband...I did. What I realized is that the only things we did together is what he wanted to do. I never complained about that. I was just happy spending time anyway I could with him and my girls. As months went on, he needed more alone time than I ever did. Being gone on many fishing trips, fishing on Thanksgiving morning while I stayed back with the girls to get everything ready for family to come over. I'll never forget the day I asked him to stay home and help me and also the only time I had ever asked... the response was "you need to find your own hobbies." I thought yeah your right I actually do but when?? I looked at him and said, "How can I ever have a hobby? You take any free time that I/we have to do what you want to do." He looked at me and said then get a babysitter. Really? So let me make sure I understand...You want me to hire a babysitter 1-2 times a month just so I can do something by myself? He said your mom or sister can watch them. I was so angry...I had supported his hobbies for years and now I need to hire a babysitter to have a few hours to myself because you cant stay home or be with the girls? I started second guessing myself... maybe I should hire a babysitter, maybe I shouldn't have a hobby, maybe I should just continue doing what I am doing.. I had chosen so many times to not do what I liked because I knew that he loved to fish and hunt and those were his passions that I supported throughout our marriage. If he didn't get a chance to fish/hunt believe me he made it very clear that it was an issue with him. So as the years went on it stayed the same. The few time I was went somewhere alone I was called and sent text messages about when I would be home.
Now fast forward to today at 39 years old when I am asked what hobbies I have? I thought about it... my response I don't have time for a hobby! What I realize I am saying I don't have time for myself. I broke down and started crying. FUCK!!! Here we go again. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't have a hobby... I work, I help others a lot but there is nothing that I have that is all mine that I do. I am so used to helping others chase their dreams and make sure they are happy that I forget about myself. Now here we are a year and a half after my divorce and I don't even know what I like to do for myself. Every relationship I have had I give a give a part of myself to the other person to ensure they are happy and unfortunately it has been at the expense of me neglecting myself and learning what it is that I like to do..... So hear I am at 39 not even knowing what it is that I like to do as a hobby... its time for me! I am taking my power back. Stay tuned...
